Sermon

The Christian way to deal with conflict

Scripture Text:

Matthew 18:15-20

Sermon:

How do you feel about conflict?  It’s tempting to think that Christians shouldn’t have any conflict.  That Christians should be nice, forgiving, always kind and pleasant. Because sometimes being pleasant and caring is a kind of lie.  Sometimes being nice or avoiding a conflict can allow unhealthy, and even abusive, behavior to continue.  Sometimes being nice can really damage our relationships, and our souls, too.

Jesus gives us some pretty darn explicit instructions this morning on how to deal with conflict.  First, go to the person in private and tell them the wrong you feel they’ve done to you.  If they won’t listen or talk to you about it (notice that it doesn’t say they have to apologize or agree with you: just that they listen to you!) then take one or two other people with you and try to talk to them about it again.  If they still won’t listen, then the whole church community can confront them with the wrong.  And if they still won’t listen, you’re allowed to write them off.  (Now, it’s interesting that Jesus describes this as treating them as a Gentile or a tax collector, since Jesus does seem to hang around those people an awful lot, having meals with them and forgiving their sins, and legend has it that Matthew himself was a tax collector! Who knows.)

Now, that process can be used for good, but it can also be used with great harm and pettiness.  But more on that later.

First, I want to tell you a somewhat embarrassing story about a time I was actually able to do this.  A friend of mine, who I’ll call Katie, starting dating a guy I was dating and sort of avoided telling me about it until I found out about it from someone else.   I was pretty hurt and some friends encouraged me to go talk to her about it.  Now, confrontation is not something we do in my family, but for once in my life I was angry enough to give it a try — and perhaps more importantly, I wanted to give it a try because I respected Katie as a person, as a fellow Christian, and as a fellow ministry student.  So I asked her if I could talk with her over coffee.  Now, here’s how my friends had encouraged me to do it:  tell her how she had hurt me… then just sit back and let her respond.  Don’t say anything to make it better, don’t keep talking, don’t say more than you need to, just wait and let her squirm.  And so I did.  And she squirmed!  She tried to explain, she wrinkled up her nose, she said all kinds of things, but I kept my mouth shut and didn’t try to help her or make her feel better.  And finally she just said, “Heidi, I’m so sorry.”  Wow.  I’m not sure I had expected her to apologize.  But I said, “Thank you, Katie.”

And after a few weeks of some awkwardness, I let it completely go and now, years later, Katie and this guy are married and I think they’re a wonderful couple.  I even was invited – and went — to Katie’s bridal shower.  That’s not to say this method works like a charm every time – This conflict wasn’t especially vicious or abusive Katie and I respected one another.  Katie is a normal, balanced person without any history of violent crime (!).   But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel like you have a right to sit down with another person and explain to them, civilly and with care, how they may have hurt you, no matter who they are.  Use your judgment, but if something is on your heart, remember that Jesus himself teaches that you should say something and not just be nice and forgiving, especially when you haven’t even given the person a chance to ask for forgiveness in the first place.

Now, in terms of bringing people along with you or having a whole church community in on something like an intervention or confronting someone, it’s more tricky.  We don’t to overwhelm anybody or be bullies.  And yet, sometimes it is useful to have someone else to witness to the behavior you’ve been experiencing.  Sometimes it’s good for a child to confront another child in the presence of a grown-up, or at least to tell a grown-up if that other child won’t listen.  Sometimes it’s good for two adults to have a third person to help them listen to each other.  Sometimes it’s good to call your pastor, or your supervisor, or maybe even the police.

When I first came to St. Benedict I shared a list I have called “10 Rules for Respect.”  I share it with the Bishop’s Committee every year.  It says this same thing – if you have a problem with me, come and tell me about it.  If I have a problem with you, I’ll come talk to you.  It doesn’t help for us to talk to other people about a problem, if that problem is really with another person.  If someone else keeps talking to me about a problem they have with you, I’ll encourage them to talk to you about it.  I’ll even offer to go with them, if that would help.  I hope you’ll do the same for me.  I don’t read anonymous notes, which are another way of avoiding a conversation.  You shouldn’t either!

And yet, sometimes, direct communication can be used for less than noble purposes.  We could feel as though we need to point out all the wrong things that someone else may be doing.  Or maybe we feel the need to tattletale.   Sometimes we should leave well enough alone and mind our own business.  Sometimes people are falsely accused.  Someone may decide you need an unfair, unhealthy trial by your peers that’s mostly based on gossip or speculation. Sometimes churches have actually kicked members out because of a sin they have committed, when really, every church has pew after pew full of sinners, sitting together.

What’s at stake to Jesus isn’t our pride, or the rules, or good behavior so much as the health of a community.  I don’t share those 10 Rules for Respect just for my own sanity; I share them because I care that our church has healthy patterns of communication.  It’s really about the sanity of the whole church, not just me.  Jesus doesn’t encourage us to talk to someone who’s hurt us just because it’s the right thing to do or because they need a reprimand, he’s wants us to be honest and respectful of our relationships with one another; he’s interested in the strength and love of the community.

Jesus is also saying that being part of a Christian community means being part of a community of people who sin.  We’re all sinners, in church and outside of church, and so we should probably be as ready to hear our brothers and sisters come to us with our sins as we are ready to go to them with theirs.  When sin happens, and it will:  be a mature and accountable Christian and go talk to the person instead of talking about them behind their back.  (Or let it go.)  If that doesn’t work, involve other people – not to tattle, but because you care about the community you share – no matter what community it may be.  And if that doesn’t work, Jesus says, we’re all in trouble.  Because if we can’t talk to each other, listen to one another, or care for one another, even if we agree to disagree, the community will suffer and may even stop being a real community.

At the end of the gospel Jesus says,  “if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”  It doesn’t say the two people have to agree for Jesus to be there with them, just that they are gathered in His Name.  It’s the conversation that’s important, not the agreement.  If my friend Katie had disagreed with me that she had done anything wrong, and yet still listened to what I said and honestly cared that I was feeling hurt, that would still make all the difference.  But if I had continued talking to all my friends about what I felt and never talked to her, our group of friends would have a painful, hidden rift that would probably never really have healed, and maybe so would I.

Next week, Jesus talks about forgiveness, which is a whole other sermon.  But today, I just want you to hear what it can mean to go to your brother and sisters and be honest, or to hear a brother or sisters be honest with you.   Wherever two or three or gathered in Jesus’ name, he will be there among them.  Even if they don’t agree.

May God help us to be such a community here in this church, and in all the communities we’re part of.

Amen.

Uploaded on September 4, 2011 in by RevHeidi

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